The Problem with Grandpa
by Feirdra
Summary: No idea whether the rating's correct but anywayz... Yugi finds out his Grandpa's addicted to porn magazines! What will he do?! My first Yu-Gi-Oh fic, please R & R! CHAPTER SEVEN FINALLY!!!! CHAOS AT THE MANSION AND BAKURA'S GREEN THUMB
1. Discovery

I thought this up while I was in a really wacky mood after reading my first Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic (The Nightmare Chapters by Shadow Bakura, it's absolutely HILARIOUS). The idea came from a mixture of Dragonball, Dragonball Z, Ranma ½, and the Taiwan Chinese edition of Yu-Gi-Oh. This is the first Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic I ever wrote, and also my first attempt at a humor fic. . So anyway, it's pretty crazy, but, here it is!  
  
Punctuation Notes:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thoughts or Italics . with an uncapitalized letter after it or in a spot where it doesn't seem to make sense - Three little dots *** Erm. Double spacing instead of single  
  
Warning: This does not correspond exactly with the TV show.  
  
  
  
*** Chapter One: Discovery ***  
  
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!  
  
"Man, morning already?" Yugi groaned out from his pillow.  
  
He thrust off his covers and yawned hugely. Without warning a large fly flew right smack into his mouth. Yugi screamed, thrashed around for a while, got thoroughly tangled in the covers, fell on the floor, bumped his head on the corner of his bedside table and finally spat out the fly, which was pretty much dead by then.  
  
"Eeewww." Yugi wiped his mouth and flicked the fly in general direction of the far corner, ". Poor fly."  
  
'And I sure hope that wasn't a preview for today.'  
  
He rubbed his head, got up, glanced at his clock display and did a double take, "!!! Why the heck did I set it early?!"  
  
Looking around at his wall calendar, he spotted a large red circle marked around today's date, July 5th. Beneath it were the words "Picnic at 9:00". It was 7:00.  
  
"Oh, right, the picnic. How could I have forgotten that?"  
  
After going through his usual morning stretching ritual, Yugi padded into the bathroom to shower and do his usual simple grooming (unlike what many people thought, he didn't use a drop of hair gel; his hair just grew that way. It was kind of weird, but it didn't bother him, so Yugi didn't give it a thought) and the daily polishing of his treasure, his Millennium Puzzle.  
  
Tucking his blond locks behind his ear and splashing his face with cold water to wake himself up more, Yugi glanced at his wristwatch.  
  
"Yikes! 7:45! And I still gotta pack for the picnic!"  
  
***  
  
Racing around his room and somehow getting all his clothes on right, Yugi pounded down the stairs and entered the kitchen like a whirlwind. His grandpa was sitting at the kitchen table quietly reading a magazine. Upon Yugi's sudden appearance, he hastily tried to tuck the thing out of sight.  
  
"Grandpa?! What's that?" Yugi trotted over to look.  
  
"Nothing, Yugi, now mind your own business!" his grandfather growled, reddening as he stuffed the magazine into a drawer, "Don't you have a picnic to provide for? I went to the grocery store yesterday."  
  
"Grandpa, was that a 'porn' magazine?!" Yugi sputtered, eyes as round as coins.  
  
Grandpa turned an interesting shade of purple, "Absolutely not! Whatever gave you that idea?!"  
  
"B-but." Yugi sighed and gave up, "Never mind, Grandpa."  
  
***  
  
He walked over to the refrigerator, pulled the door open and picked out the food, his mind racing at a hundred fifty miles per hour.  
  
'I know what I saw. If that wasn't a porn magazine, then I'll kiss Pegasus. Why would Grandpa be reading something like that, though?!'  
  
Try as he might, Yugi's innocent mind could conjure up nothing to explain it. But he wasn't one to give up, oh, no, he always found the solution to a problem. Didn't he solve the Millennium Puzzle? Then he could solve this.  
  
'I'll ask the others about it,' he decided, 'After I check this out. Maybe I'll tell Joey.'  
  
Satisfied with this solution, Yugi hurried to pack everything into the picnic basket. A ray of sunshine pierced the blinds. He smiled; it looked to be a very nice day. Now if only he could be sure whether or not Grandpa was really reading porn magazines.  
  
***  
  
And that's the first chapter. It isn't that good, I know, but. let's see what the future brings. ^^ Neewayz, please review and tell me what you think! 


	2. Author's Notes

This is just an author's note, sorry. But I need suggestions from readers for ways to, um, cure Grandpa. I plan to have just about the whole lot of main characters in on this, including the Yami's, which makes Yugi, Yami Yugi, Bakura, Yami Bakura, Joey, Tristan, T'ea, Mai (does anyone know how old she is?!), and yes, Seto and Mokuba Kaiba. Maybe even Pegasus. * evil grin * I like that idea.  
  
Anywayz, there'll be a chapter for just about every character's idea. I've already got ideas for Mokuba and Yami Bakura (and perhaps Bakura as well), but I need help for the rest.  
  
If you have an idea, just put it in your review and I'll give consideration to anything short of trapping Grandpa in the Shadow Realm for a week without any porn. Actually. well, anywayz! Gimme your ideas, everyone! I already know who's gonna find the idea that works, and trust me, it's not who you think it is! * gets a mysterious look in her eyes * Not tellin'! Oh, and while I'm at it, I'd like to know what yami means, what aibou means, and what hikari means. Pray do tell! I have no clue!  
  
~Fyredra 


	3. Sugar, Coffee and a Picnic

Man, this story is so not like me. ^^ Which makes it so much more fun! Wow, people actually like this thing!  
  
A big thanks to Jon Wells (I changed the rating. Btw, loved the little tidbit on Yugi and Serenity. And thanks for the info!), dilanda (Thanks for the praise and the info! It's perfect? O.O * Ego inflates through the roof *), Yami-kun (Thanks, here's the next chapter!), dark-seto-kaiba (Nice alter ego or whatever eh is. I'm confused now. Heh. Thanks anyway! You can e-mail the suggestions or put them in your review, I prefer the review, 'cus I have to reopen my e-mail account AGAIN . Hotmail just keeps getting worse.), Riku-chan (Thanks for the info!), Nips (Thanks. Bribing him? With what?), jessie (Wow, had no idea it was THAT funny. ^^ Here's more for you!), and UK Chatte aka Silver Flure (Here's more! ^^).  
  
Punctuation:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thought/Italics . with an uncapitalized letter after it or in a spot that doesn't seem to make sense - Three little dots (. What's happening to my three little dots?!) *** Double spacing instead of single  
  
Warning: Some characters may be OOC, and this doesn't correspond exactly with the TV show.  
  
  
  
*** Chapter Two: Sugar, Coffee, and a Picnic ***  
  
"Hey, Yug!" Yugi had no sooner reached the lake, where they'd agreed to have their picnic, when he was beset by a tall blond in a green shirt who slapped him on the back so heartily he almost knocked him face first into the grass, "How's it goin'?"  
  
"Great, Joey," the small black/blond/purple-haired boy told his friend with a smile, "Where are the others-?"  
  
But Joey interrupted him, throwing his head back and sniffing at the air before bending down to stare at the picnic basket as though it were the most fascinating item he'd ever encountered, "Mmmm, somethin' smells good in there!"  
  
***  
  
"Uh-oh," a blue-eyed girl with shoulder-length brown hair popped up between them, nearly scaring them both out of their wits, "Somebody tie down Joey before there's nothing left for the rest of us!"  
  
"Ha, ha, very funny," Joey glared.  
  
"Hey, T'ea," Yugi greeted the girl.  
  
She smiled, "I hope you brought some kind of protection, Yugi. Tristan, Bakura and Mokuba are all headed this way. Mokuba's had too much sugar and Bakura hasn't had coffee yet."  
  
"Too bad Mai couldn't come, though," Yugi said thoughtfully.  
  
"Yeah." T'ea shrugged as though she didn't really care, which she didn't.  
  
"An' dat creep Kaiba's here too," Joey wrinkled his nose; he'd never liked Seto Kaiba too much, especially since the guy had called him a Chihuahua when he'd pounded Joey in their last match, "Says he's gotta keep an eye on Mokuba. Man, that kid's a danger ta society when he gets aholda sugar."  
  
***  
  
Just then a small dust cloud appeared on the horizon. All three sweatdropped as they heard what was coming from it.  
  
"PICNIC! PICNIC! PICNIC!" Mokuba's scratchy child's voice sounded like he was shouting at the top of his lungs with a cat stuck in his mouth.  
  
The cause of this soon became apparent: "Mokuba, that's not a microphone, that's my hair!" Bakura appeared to be having some trouble with the raucous little Kaiba.  
  
Then: "BIG BROTHER!! HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!" Mokuba was now shrieking at a pitch that only bats could properly hear. The sane people near him tried to block their ears, "BAKURA'S TRYING TO STICK HIS MILLENNIUM RING UP MY ARSE!!!"  
  
"What? That isn't your eye?!" Bakura's reply made everyone within hearing range, except Mokuba, who just shrieked even higher, laugh nervously and develop sweatdrops all over their faces.  
  
***  
  
"You two are completely impossible," came Tristan's voice from within the dust cloud, "I. SMELL. FOOD!!!!"  
  
As the dust cloud cleared somewhat, Tristan could be seen trampling the other two as his eyes developed an almost demonic glint, fixed on the picnic basket in Yugi's hand, and foam frothed about his mouth. Mokuba immediately attached himself to Tristan's leg.  
  
"NOBODY GETS MY GRUB!!!!" he yelled, causing Tristan to clap his hands over his ears, trip and fall on his face, luckily right in the grass. and onto Bakura's knee.  
  
"YEEEOWCH!" Bakura shot to his feet and hopped around on one foot clutching his knee while Mokuba scrambled over the fallen Tristan, screeching in a singsong voice, "I'M THE FIRST! I'M THE FIRST! YOU GUYS SUCK!"  
  
***  
  
Yugi, T'ea and Joey just stared at the spectacle in bemusement. T'ea was the first to speak up.  
  
"Think we should, uh, help them?"  
  
"I dunno." Yugi watched the three crazed boys continue their antics.  
  
"I'm a sucker for severe injury," Joey shook his head, "But my stomach has udder (A/N: other) plans."  
  
He turned to stare greedily at the picnic basket Yugi had set on the ground. T'ea promptly snatched it up.  
  
"Oh, no you don't, Joey. I'm hungry, and as for those three." she said, trying to resist the puppy dog eyes he immediately sent her way.  
  
"Not to mention Seto Kaiba," Yugi put in, "Where is he, anyway?"  
  
"Last I saw him, he was sitting by the lake, staring at a piece of seaweed near the shore like it was the center of the world," T'ea told him helpfully.  
  
"Oh," Yugi was silent after that as they watched the circus get closer and closer.  
  
***  
  
Finally Tristan and Bakura collapsed in a heap at Yugi's feet, their noses inches from the picnic basket, while Mokuba danced on top of them, singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips" as though his life depended on it.  
  
But Bakura suddenly jumped to his feet, upending everyone and seizing Yugi by the front of his shirt, "Where's the coffee?! I. must. have. coffee. NOW!"  
  
Yugi was quite alarmed by the way his friend's eyes were bugging out and he hastened to try to placate him, "I'm sorry, I didn't bring any, but."  
  
Suddenly the Millennium Ring appeared on Bakura's chest, interrupting his small friend as it glowed. Bakura's body relaxed and his large brown eyes shut as his Yami took over.  
  
"Enough games!" came the hard, raspy voice of Yami Bakura as he squinted at something over Yugi's shoulder with narrowed black eyes, "And on to priorities."  
  
In a flash, he was across the street, heading straight for a man in a suit and tie ensemble carrying a briefcase and sipping a cup of hot coffee walking unsuspectingly on the sidewalk.  
  
"Sorry, Yug, buddy, dis here's censored," Joey muttered, putting a hand over Yugi's violet eyes as Yami Bakura reached the man with the coffee.  
  
***  
  
A few crashes, curses and various noises of which the sources were unsuitable to be viewed by the young tri-color-haired boy later, Joey removed his hand and Yugi saw Bakura, back to his normal self, standing beside the groaning heap that was Tristan and Mokuba and calmly sipping the cup of coffee.  
  
"Lemme guess, I don't wanna know," he muttered, taking the picnic basket from T'ea and helping Mokuba and Tristan to their feet. Bakura just gave him an extremely innocent look and Joey shrugged.  
  
"Don't worry, I believe Yami erased his mind," Bakura said sweetly, looking for all the world as though he'd just alighted from heaven.  
  
***  
  
"Tralalalalalala!" Mokuba sang out as they made for the lake, "IT'S TIME FOR THE PICNIC, WE'RE GOIN' TO EAT! YUM, YUM, YUM, FALALALALALALALALA!!!"  
  
"Anyone bring any earplugs?" Joey muttered to his friends, screwing up his face as Mokuba skipped and bounced at the very front of the group.  
  
"Sorry, Joey," Yugi smiled, "At least now we know why Kaiba's allergic to sugar."  
  
***  
  
They all had the time of their lives, sitting on the picnic cloth T'ea had brought, and having small food fights that quickly turned into miniature wars because Mokuba felt it was his duty to join each and every single one with his entire plate.  
  
Seto Kaiba, as usual, was comparable with the trees surrounding the lake. Only his passive deep blue eyes, which followed his hyper little brother everywhere, betrayed that he was actually alive. Of course, nobody liked to ask him why he was thoroughly soaked, his brown hair almost black.  
  
***  
  
"How many plates have you two had?" Bakura asked Joey and Tristan as they both ate like it was their last meal before the end of the world.  
  
"Together? I'd say 'bout 15," Joey shrugged, scratching his head, "Not includin' the plates Mokuba threw in our faces, but anyway."  
  
Tristan just made some weird noises through his bulging mouthful before burying himself once more in the heaps of food on the 6 plates laid out all around him.  
  
T'ea just rolled her eyes at the pair of them and Bakura, who was currently gulping down his seventh cup of coffee with gusto (it turned out Mokuba had packed half the house in his eagerness, including the coffee pot).  
  
***  
  
"What does that guy live on, air?" T'ea whispered to Yugi, nodding toward Seto Kaiba, "Have 'you' ever seen him eat?"  
  
"I HAVE!"  
  
"KYAAAAAAH!" T'ea and Yugi grabbed each other as Mokuba suddenly appeared behind them, nearly scaring them both into thrombosis.  
  
"MY BROTHER COULD BEAT JOEY AN' TRISTAN IN AN EATING CONTEST HANDS DOWN, 'CUZ HIS FAVORITE FOOD IS- MMMMPH!" Seto was at his brother's side in a flash and had a hand over the small dark-haired boy's mouth, "That's enough, Mokuba. We're going home."  
  
***  
  
He walked off with his struggling brother under his arm. Mokuba mouthed something to them that nearly made T'ea go into hysterics. As she doubled over, laughing her head off, Yugi bent over to look into her face with concern.  
  
"Are you all right, T'ea?!"  
  
"I-I-I'm just fine, Yugi!" T'ea wheezed.  
  
"Strange," Bakura looked up from gulping down the coffee pot, "What's so funny, T'ea?"  
  
T'ea laughed even harder, but she managed to gasp out a single word: "S-s- seaweed!"  
  
"Seaweed?" Yugi repeated, confused.  
  
"S-Seto Kaiba's f-favorite food is s-s-s-seaweed!!!" the brown-haired girl crowed, by now almost crying with mirth.  
  
Joey and Tristan, who'd eaten all the food and were now in a contest to see who could down the picnic cloth, looked up. There was a moment of dead silence, then.  
  
It was as though some sort of explosion had taken place. Everyone was laughing as hard as T'ea, sometimes even harder. Bakura had tears running down his cheeks from laughing so hard, and Joey and Tristan were banging the ground with their fists and slapping each other on the back repeatedly; they were choking on the tablecloth. Yugi just laughed normally, sitting up.  
  
***  
  
Yugi only remembered about seeing his Grandpa with the porn magazine that night; the picnic had completely driven the thing from his mind. He needed to find out if his Grandpa was really reading porn magazines, but he was too tired to do it right now.  
  
'Tomorrow.' he yawned and closed his eyes, floating off into dreams of pink teddy bears and playing basketball with girls in skirts (There were 'some' advantages to being short.).  
  
***  
  
That was totally weird. I don't usually write stuff like that, but * shrug * this stuff just comes on its own. Anyone have any idea what Seto Kaiba's favorite food is? When I figure it out I'll be sure to let you guys know.  
  
Next chapter, Yugi's gonna find out once and for all if Grandpa's really into porn magazines, and then the fun really begins! Well, I'm glad to see people actually liked my story! Please R & R! 


	4. Verification, Slave Girls and an Oversiz...

Here's the third chapter, along with a hearty thanks to all my reviewers: Riku-chan (Thanks so much! Yeah, go on and thrash that Yami! Yami's are evil! Yami Yugi: Ehhhh. What about me? * sniffles * Fyredra: Awww. You're the diamond in the rough. Y. Yugi: YEAH! * sticks tongue out at the other Yami's * YOU GUYS SUCK!!! Fyredra: * sweat *), dilanda (You mean Rutabaga, the humongous carroty thing? Or however it's spelled (I'm confused too!!!)? Pudding, huh? With three layers of chocolate and rock sugar on top. Plus some fudge and chocolate syrup and a mountain of candy bars and. Seto: Are you trying to kill me?! Me: Yes. Seto: Hmph! Anywayz, glad you liked it!), UK Chatte aka Silver Flure (I luv Mokuba too! * squeezes the breath out of him * Kawaii little bugger ^^ Mokuba: AAAAAAAH! GET ME OUTTA HERE PLEASE! * runs away as fast as his little legs can carry him * Me: Come back here, cutie! * chases him around exuding red and pink hearts * ;) Thanks!), Nips (That little playing basketball with girls in skirts thing is actually in the Taiwan Chinese edition of Yu-Gi-Oh. Of course, it's. not exactly a dream, let's leave it at that. Here's the next chap for you!), Bea BMWT (AAAAH stop the praise my ego's gonna destroy the word!!! Ego: MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Me: O_o j/k Feel free to keep it up! Nice idea there I'll take it into committee. * Five hours later * * Pokes head out of committee room * Oh, btw, thanks for the praise and the info 'bout Mai!), and Mysterious Cheese (O_o Wow. Sounds. um. inedible enough all right.). Oh, btw, if any of you readers write Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction, lemme know and I'll go take a look (of course, I already have taken a peek around most of you guys' accounts already ^^).  
  
. Looks back up at the thank-you notes. O.O That was long. Anywayz, here's the next chappie in this crazy venture into the world of Yu-Gi-Oh fanfiction. Sit back, relax, and enjoy! (Oh, and review once you're done)  
  
Punctuation Notes:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thoughts or Italics . followed by an uncapitalized letter or in a place where it doesn't make sense - Three little dots . And the spacing doesn't work out properly either * takes out a huge hammer and whacks FF.net on the head with it * WOOOOORK!!! *** Double spacing instead of single  
  
/Yugi to Yami/ //Yami to Yugi//  
  
Warning: Some characters may be OOC and this does not correspond exactly with the TV show. I'm not even sure exactly where it fits in in the timeline. Oh well. * shrugs * Ya can't have everything in life, now, can ya?  
  
  
  
*** Chapter Three: Verification, Slave Girls and an Oversized Pot ***  
  
Yugi woke up at the crack of dawn when a hammer suddenly appeared out of his custom-made alarm clock (which didn't tell time but woke him up when he wanted it to anyway) and hit him in the face.  
  
It was his more discreet way of waking himself up that his Yami had helped him to contrive for practicing duel monsters to prepare for his various duels with people who thought they could beat the timid little kid with the weird hair easily. It was quieter than his alarm clock, considering his grandfather slept in the next room.  
  
Muffling a yelp, he put the hammer back in and yawned until his jaws made a weird cracking sound, then looked around, "I wonder why I even bothered. Well, might as well get it over with."  
  
***  
  
Tiptoeing downstairs, he made his way to the kitchen drawer he'd seen his Grandpa stuff the magazine into. Obviously, it was locked but there didn't seem to be any way to open it.  
  
/Yami?/ Yugi called out to his darker half for help.  
  
//What (yawn) in the name of Ra are you waking me up for this early in the morning, aibou?// came the annoyed, groggy reply.  
  
/I need to open this drawer, but it's locked and there doesn't seem to be a lock./  
  
//Let me see that.// Yugi smiled; his other half could never resist a puzzle. The Millennium Puzzle around his neck glowed and Yami Yugi took over, little Yugi retreating obediently to his soul room.  
  
***  
  
//....//  
  
/Yami? Is everything all right?/  
  
//........//  
  
/Yami?/  
  
//Done!// Yugi got back in control of his body and stared at what his Yami had done.  
  
/Uhhhh. that hole in the counter is gonna be hard to fix./ Yugi sweatdropped, staring at the large gaping opening his Yami had made in the ceramic countertop.  
  
//You got what you wanted, didn't you?// came his Yami's voice, irritated.  
  
/Yeah, but I was thinking maybe something a little more 'discreet'./  
  
//.//  
  
/Never mind./ With a sigh, Yugi reached into the hole and drew out a wad of magazines.  
  
(Cut to scenes of the Big Bang Explosion, the nuking of Hiroshima, Japan, and the explosion and fall of the WTC (A/N: Sorry, ya fellow Americans, a collection of disastrous explosions in history, in case ya didn't notice))  
  
***  
  
//Aibou?//  
  
/./ Yugi's eyes were practically on the floor as he stared at the magazine that had accidentally fallen open on the countertop.  
  
Yami Yugi got exasperated by the lack of response from his hikari and decided to have a look.  
  
//. Holy Mother of Ra!!!//  
  
Yugi gulped and hastily shoved the magazines back into the hole.  
  
/You didn't see that did you?/  
  
//.//  
  
/Yami?/  
  
//. What in the name of Anubis was that??!!!//  
  
Yugi turned about 50 shades of red before answering, /What my Grandpa reads./  
  
A short silence, then: //What a peasant! In my time, all we had to do was call for a slave girl, and.//  
  
/Yami!/  
  
//. And anyway, why are they all so skinny? I prefer the more voluptuous type, better game if you ask me.//  
  
/YAMI!!!/ Yugi turned even redder, if that was possible. He was positively giving off steam by now.  
  
//What?// His Yami asked innocently  
  
/./  
  
//Oh, yes, inappropriate matters to discuss with young ones. Sorry, aibou.//  
  
/Um, yeah./ Yugi shook his head, /Now what am I going to do about that hole?!/  
  
//. Spread a cloth over it?//  
  
Yugi sweatdropped all over his face, /I suppose that's the best I can do for now./  
  
***  
  
He grabbed a huge, thick washcloth with red squares all over it and spread it over the hole. Then he had a sudden inspiration. After much opening and closing of kitchen cabinets, Yugi emerged triumphantly brandishing a large iron pot that was practically bigger than he was. As a result, he was having a lot of trouble even dragging it along the floor, let alone lift it to the countertop.  
  
/Um, Yami, a little help here, please?/  
  
//With pleasure.// Separating from his hikari, Yami Yugi proceeded to help the boy haul the giant pot onto the counter. It must've been pretty heavy, since it made a dent in the counter when they put it down.  
  
Yugi sweatdropped as he looked at the pot, "Wonder what Grandpa cooks in that."  
  
Yami shrugged, "At least it conceals the hole."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
***  
  
They just stood there in silence for a while, then Yugi turned to his Yami and spoke up quickly, "IneedhelpYamibecausemyGrandpa'sreadingthosemagazinesandyou'renotsupposedtod othatsocanyouhelpmefindawaytostophimplease?"  
  
"Hmm?" replied his Yami in confusion; he hadn't understood a single word.  
  
"I need help to stop Grandpa from reading those magazines," Yugi summarized breathlessly.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why?!" Yugi almost shrieked.  
  
His Yami backed away slight in alarm, "Easy, aibou. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I don't understand your situation."  
  
Yugi hung his head; he almost never yelled, "I know, I'm sorry. But Grandpa's not supposed to read those; it's bad."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Would you stop asking me that?!" Yugi took a deep breath; he really wasn't acting like himself. Perhaps it was the early hour or something, "I don't know. It just is."  
  
His Yami just looked at him. Finally Yugi resorted to the big-puppy-eyes- combined-with-the-lip look that he knew nobody could ever resist. Yami Yugi gulped and looked away, as though deep in thought. Finally he sighed and acquiesced.  
  
"Yay!" Yugi jumped on his startled Yami, "Thanks! I think I'd better get back to bed now."  
  
"Erm, yes, I think that would be best," agreed his embarrassed Yami, disappearing into his soul room.  
  
***  
  
Left alone in the kitchen, Yugi sighed, looked back at "the drawer" one more time, then made his way upstairs and climbed into bed, still wondering how he would "cure" Grandpa.  
  
'I'll ask the others to come over today,' he thought as he drifted off to sleep, 'I'll bet Joey and Tristan will have some ideas.'  
  
And he fell asleep with a slight smile gracing his lips; the first piece of the solution to his problem had fallen into place.  
  
***  
  
Okay, that was pretty weird, but... Anyway, next chapter, Yugi calls a meeting at his house and the search for the "cure" officially begins! Who's up first? You'll have to wait to find out! (Even I don't know yet; I just make it up as I go along) Please R & R!!! Reviews are thoroughly appreciated and gloated over continuously in private. Flames will be used to burn my enemies' houses down (insert evil maniacal laughter here). 


	5. The Pot and the Meeting

First off, thanks to everyone who reviewed, namely Jon Wells (Nice! Another little story to brighten up the day ^^ Here's more!), hushpuppy24 (Thanks, I know it's weird ^^ That's why I wrote it. Anyway, this soon enough for you?), Sarah (^^ I'm glad you thought it was funny. As for Seto's favorite food I'll have to think on that one. Get back to you on that.), and Nips (Thanks for the suggestion but the ole coot'd just find another place to get 'em. * shrug *). Thanks to y'all! Herez the 4th chapter!  
  
Punctuation Notes:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thoughts or Italics . before uncapitalized letter or in a place where it doesn't make sense - Three little dots *** - Double spacing instead of single  
  
/Yugi to Yami/ //Yami to Yugi//  
  
  
  
*** Chapter Four: The Pot and the Meeting ***  
  
Grandpa hummed happily as he made his way downstairs to the kitchen to start preparing breakfast. He strode into the kitchen. Only to find The Pot sitting on the counter. His eyes bugged out and his jaw dropped to the floor as he stared in shock. Then.  
  
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!" Yugi was jolted out of bed by the loudest, longest, most shrill scream his eardrums had ever had to endure in his life. It sounded like someone was being slowly killed downstairs.  
  
Groaning as he untangled himself from his covers and got up from the floor (he'd fallen off the bed), the small tri-color-haired boy stumbled downstairs. The sight that met him when he staggered sleepily into the kitchen startled him awake immediately. Grandpa was running wildly around the place, his eyes rolling, screaming his head off. Yugi sweatdropped.  
  
/Uhhhh. Yami?/  
  
//Hmmm?//  
  
/Is it possible for someone to have a seizure or a heart attack standing up. er, more precisely, running around in circles?/  
  
//Why do you ask?//  
  
/. I don't think putting that pot on the counter was such a good idea./ The only words Yugi could distinguish in his Grandpa's screaming were, "IT'S THE POOOOOOT!!! IT'S THE POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
//. Huh?// Yugi sighed at his Yami's confusion.  
  
/Look for yourself./  
  
Yami Yugi took over and stared at the old man still running amok in the kitchen, now throwing things at The Pot and screaming, "GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM YOU INFERNALLY EVIL BANE OF CUISINERIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
//. Oh.//  
  
***  
  
"I-Is your Grandpa gonna be all right, Yugi?" T'ea asked nervously, glancing at the old man's closed bedroom door.  
  
"I think so," Yugi replied, "I can't believe it took six shots of tranquilizer to calm him down."  
  
Joey cocked his tranquilizer gun and grinned, blowing on the tip, "All in a day's work."  
  
Yugi had had to call all his friends over to help him with Grandpa, since he was going to call them over anyway. Joey had thoughtfully brought his tranquilizer gun and Bakura an artifact that resembled a gold ball, which could be thrown at the target and would release a net that would thoroughly enclose and incapacitate the victim. That was the only way they had managed to shoot the tranquilizers into him.  
  
"By the way, where 'did' you get that thing, Bakura?" Tristan asked the silver-haired teen, pointing at the net now resting in a heap on the kitchen floor.  
  
"Oh, my father gave it to me when I was six. He found it in the mountains somewhere in North America. Apparently it's supposed to have been used by earlier civilizations to capture bears and the like," Bakura grinned as he picked up the gold ball and easily sucked the net back into it using some mysterious technique, "He said it might come in useful. I just never thought I'd have to use it on Yugi's Grandpa."  
  
"No kidding," Joey shook his head, "I'd say even a grizzly bear's easier ta fell'n that fella in a fit."  
  
***  
  
"Well, now that my Grandpa isn't here." T'ea was surprised to see Yugi blushing profusely as he attempted to move a giant pot off the countertop, "A. little. help here. please?"  
  
At that the Millennium Puzzle glowed and Yami appeared beside his smaller aibou, helping him to lower the large cooking container to the floor. Yugi smiled a thanks at his Yami, who merely nodded and disappeared back into the puzzle, and then whisked the cloth off the countertop to reveal the gaping hole that remained.  
  
"Whaaa-?!" his friends all stared at the hole.  
  
"What'd you do dat for, Yug?" Not surprisingly, Joey was the first to recover his power of speech.  
  
"Ask Yami," Yugi muttered, reaching into the hole and drawing out the magazines, still blushing like there was no tomorrow  
  
A long, shocked silence, then.  
  
"YUGI???!!!!"  
  
"Tell me I didn't just see what I thought I saw." T'ea said weakly, staggering back to fall against Bakura, who immediately went red and tried desperately to hold her away from himself. Joey snickered.  
  
"Yugi." Tristan looked like his eyes had permanently left his head, "What are you doing with those?!"  
  
"Um. uh. you see." Yugi stammered and sweated and blushed, until finally Yami, watching from the Puzzle, decided to take pity on him and took over to explain, "They're not Yugi's, they're his Grandpa's. And he wishes to ask your help in preventing his Grandpa from reading these. bad scrolls."  
  
"Bad scrolls?" Joey puzzled, question marks appearing all over his head.  
  
Bakura grinned; he'd finally gotten T'ea off of himself and onto Tristan, who was looking distinctly uncomfortable, "Well, we do know the puzzle's from ancient Egypt."  
  
***  
  
"Talk about hidden hobbies." Joey muttered, staring just a tad longingly at the magazines in Yugi's hand.  
  
T'ea, who'd finally recovered, much to Tristan's relief, shook her head, "I knew his Grandpa wasn't as virtuous as he appeared to be."  
  
"What do you mean?" Tristan demanded in surprise.  
  
At that moment Yugi got back in control of his body and proceeded to do a perfect imitation of his Grandpa looking T'ea over.  
  
"T'ea. I haven't seen you for a while, and you've grown quite a lot." he mimicked his Grandpa's deep, gravelly voice, "Particularly around the chest area. I'd say about 80 B already, eh?" (A/N: Sorry if this doesn't seem to make sense (the 80 B thing) but I'm translating almost exactly from Chinese so.)  
  
He stopped his acting and looked around to see all his friends staring at him in amazement.  
  
"Wow, Yugi, that was. perfect!" T'ea gushed, making the small boy blush.  
  
"If it weren't for da looks, I'd'a thought you was your Grandpa!" Joey agreed, causing his small friend to smile embarrassedly.  
  
"Totally creepy," Tristan and Bakura chorused. They stared at one another in consternation.  
  
***  
  
"Guys, stop that," Yugi said, still red and very much flustered, "Anyway, I need your help. I suppose Yami's already told you all about it."  
  
Joey nodded solemnly, "Yeah. Sounds serious."  
  
"I propose we all try to think of a way to help Yugi cure his Grandpa," T'ea put in.  
  
"Good idea, T'ea," Tristan said approvingly.  
  
"And if none of our ideas work, we could always bring in outside help." Bakura suggested.  
  
All of the others stared at him.  
  
".A-as a last resort, of course," he hastened to add, chuckling, "Perhaps Seto Kaiba would be pleasant enough to comprehend our predicament. And I'm sure Mai's an expert in these matters as well."  
  
"Bakura!" T'ea laughed, "I think you're going to traumatize Joey and Tristan if you continue doing that. Not to mention Yugi."  
  
"Oh, really? Sorry," Bakura apologized, his brown eyes twinkling.  
  
He didn't see Yugi mutter to T'ea, "Was Bakura actually 'poking fun' at us?! What did you do to his Yami?!"  
  
T'ea shrugged, "You'll have to ask Bakura about that one, Yugi."  
  
"Now let's git dis show on da road!" with that, Joey inaugurated the first meeting of. Well, he hadn't thought of a name yet.  
  
***  
  
Okay, I think that was just about the weirdest chapter so far. Anyone have a good name for this group of 'Curers of Grandpa'? Besides 'The Curers of Grandpa' of course. Any suggestions? I'll be happy to consider anything. Well, anyway, next chapter, the search for the cure really starts, and the first one to come up with an idea will be. ^^ Still not telling! (And still don't know) Anywayz, for now, just R & R this chapter and I'll be ecstatic. 


	6. Operation Brainstorm and the Wonders of ...

I know this is late, but I couldn't help it. Grrrr. * glares at the malfunctioning Document Manager * All right, peeps, I've put in Seto's favorite food in Chapter Two, so please go back, have a look, and tell me what you think. ^^ I actually got more reviews than I thought I did. * Is still seriously pissed with FF.net which is now screwing with her reviews * Anyway, time to say thanks to the reviewers! Namely Macavity (Pizza topped with tortilla chips? Doesn't sound so bad, not much worse than Sloppy Joes * closes her eyes * Mmmmmmm. Oh, um, anyway, I already got the idea for Seto's fave food, just take a peek in Chapter Two!), UK Chatte aka Silver Flure (Heh, thanks. I enjoyed writing that little thing. Anywayz, as for your solution, same problem as with Nips': he'd just go out and buy more.), Sincere Angel (Thanks! I will and here's the proof!), ??? (Look in Chapter Two!), dragon swordspro (O_o Should've brought my extra shield. Thanks, though! ^^), Evil Sugarysweetness (Anything wrong? ^^), Mystery (Thanks ^^), Shinigami-hime (Thanks! Don't worry, there's lots more to come!), hushpuppy24 (He traded it for his dead parrot ^^ Here's more!), Jon Wells (Heh, thanks, hope this is up to your expectations.), and Star Dazed Angel (Ummm. Nope, they're dark brown in the TV show. Next chappy right here!). Here's Chapter Five of 'The Problem with Grandpa'! Hope you guys enjoy this!  
  
Punctuation Notes:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thoughts or Italics . before an uncapitalized letter or in a spot that doesn't make sense - Three little dots *** - Double spacing instead of single  
  
/Yugi to Yami/ //Yami to Yugi//  
  
Warning: Major crazy impossibleness and some OOCness. This does not correspond with the TV show.  
  
  
  
*** Chapter Five: Operation Brainstorm and the Wonders of Monopoly ***  
  
Yugi brought his friends to his room and they scattered over the rug, the bed and the chairs. Yugi and Bakura sat on the bed, while Joey and Tristan shared the rug. T'ea was leaning back happily in a wooden chair, contemplating the room; it had changed so much since she'd seen it last.  
  
For one thing, it held much more bizarre items; she supposed they were results of Yami and Yugi's combined efforts at inventing. It was rather funny; there was the hammer alarm clock, of course, then there was the self- dusting duster (which wouldn't dust anything except itself), and the frying pan that really fried. that is, the hands of the person trying to cook with it. Yugi usually lent the stuff to one practical joker or another.  
  
"Any new inventions lately, Yugi?" she asked the small boy across the room. Yugi reddened slightly.  
  
"Well, Yami's working on some sort of contraption that he 'says' will help us practice for duel monsters." he scratched his head, "Buuut, it looks more like a machine gun to me."  
  
"A machine gun, are you serious?!" Tristan butted in.  
  
Yugi nodded uncomfortably, then gestured to the closet, "Look for yourself."  
  
It was Joey who leapt to his feet eagerly and dove for the closet, nearly pulling the doors off their hinges as he opened them and stuck his head inside, scanning for the so-called machine gun.  
  
After a minute or so. "WHOA! It really is a machine gun! Too cool!"  
  
At this Bakura frowned and went over to investigate. He shook his head.  
  
"That's not a machine gun, Joey, it's a slingshot."  
  
". I knew dat."  
  
"A slingshot for duel monsters?" T'ea shook her head, "Dunno, you guys, that sounds a little far out to me."  
  
"Yeah," Bakura returned to his spot on the bed, "I mean, what would you do, bounce cards off of your opponent's forehead or something?"  
  
"Don't ask me," Yugi shrugged, "I'm currently working on a platform to put that thing on."  
  
***  
  
"Well, back to the problem at hand, does anyone have any ideas?" T'ea asked.  
  
"Maybe you should give us some time to think first, T'ea," Bakura suggested earnestly.  
  
"Oh, right," T'ea agreed immediately, looking embarrassed.  
  
The friends sat in silence, thinking hard. Joey and Tristan looked like they were trying to run some sort of marathon; they had their eyes closed and sweat was pouring down their faces. T'ea simply propped her chin on a finger and stared off into nothingness.  
  
***  
  
"Hey, Bakura," Yugi nudged his white-haired friend.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"How's your Yami these days?"  
  
Surprisingly, Bakura's serious face broke out in a grin, "Oh, he's just fine."  
  
Yugi stared at him.  
  
Bakura realized an explanation was in order, "Well, you see, I threatened to suspend the coffee if ever he misbehaved."  
  
"You got your YAMI addicted to COFFEE too?!" Yugi said incredulously.  
  
The teen shrugged, "Oh, it wasn't that hard."  
  
(Flashback of Yami Bakura circling the coffee pot suspiciously for weeks, then finally getting up the courage to pounce on it and take a tiny sip. Cut to scenes of the white-haired evil Bakura look-alike bouncing happily around the house with coffee pot in tow, singing, "COFFEE IS GOOD! COFFEE IS GOOD! COFFEE IS GOO-OO-OOOOD!!!" and his hikari chasing after him brandishing a piece of white paper and threatening all sorts of extremely painful paper cuts if the Yami didn't give back his coffee pot.)  
  
***  
  
"Hey, I know!" T'ea exclaimed a few minutes later, startling them all; Joey and Tristan grabbed each other and yelled, and Yugi's hair got even more spiky.  
  
She winked around at them all, smiling with satisfaction, "Yugi just has to talk to his Grandpa. After all, he's already got the cute, innocent, why-oh- why-did-you-do-it sad little kid thing down perfectly."  
  
Yugi turned blue as Joey and Tristan sniggered.  
  
T'ea ignored this and continued talking, "And then Yugi's Grandpa wouldn't be able to bear doing it again and risking discovery again by his grandson."  
  
Yugi was rapidly going toward purple and Bakura was patting him on the back in alarm, trying to get him back to normal. However, all he succeeded in doing was to send the smaller boy into a fit of coughing.  
  
"A plausible plan, but let's just keep that for a last resort, okay?" Yugi pleaded, once he'd recovered.  
  
"Well." T'ea looked around at Joey and Tristan, who wore identical evil grins revealing that they were going to buy a camcorder on the spot if she refused, and then at Yugi, desperately making the cutest face ever seen at her, and sighed, "All right."  
  
There were loud sighs of disappointment from the two boys on the rug, accompanied by a sigh of relief from Yugi, and Bakura couldn't hold back a chuckle.  
  
"Let Operation Brainstorm continue," Joey muttered sulkily, glaring at T'ea, who just rolled her eyes.  
  
***  
  
//Aibou?//  
  
/Yes, Yami?/  
  
//I'm aware of your predicament, and perhaps I could suggest a solution.//  
  
/Go on./  
  
//Drop the magazines in The Pot.//  
  
/Not bad, but then Grandpa'd know someone found him out./  
  
//Does that matter?//  
  
Yugi sighed, /Yes./  
  
His Yami grumbled a response and lapsed into silence again. Yugi sighed again and shook his head. This wasn't working. All of them had been sitting here thinking for almost an hour, and still no ideas.  
  
"I propose we take a break," he ventured into the stagnant silence.  
  
"I LOVE YA, BUDDY!" The next five minutes were spent prying Joey off of Yugi with tools ranging from hands to hammers to crowbars.  
  
***  
  
Several hours later.  
  
Yugi, T'ea and Bakura were playing extremely chaotic Monopoly at the kitchen table, since they were making up their own rules as they went along, while Joey was sprawled out on the sofa drinking sodas and eating popcorn, watching an old romance movie with Tristan that was so old and full of tears and tragedy it was positively side-splitting.  
  
Tristan had managed somehow to fall asleep, which Joey regarded as the deepest of insults, especially since this was his favorite movie because Donna murdered her fiancée and then ran away with the circus to meet his sister a year later in a relationship with her lover who'd jilted her at the altar. The shrill wailing of the traumatized woman was enough to drive anyone into fits of hysterical laughter.  
  
"Ahhhh, I t'ink I sprained me brain from all dat t'inkin'," Joey mumbled, rubbing his head gingerly, but belying the woebegone expression on his face by bursting into laughter; Donna was currently trying to burn herself to death, with a death lament of about 20 minutes, during which time the fire didn't seem to affect her at all. Then, at the end, she simply went up in smoke.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure, if you had a brain to sprain," T'ea muttered, earning a glare from the blond.  
  
"I heard dat!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, and I'm going to die of fear," T'ea rolled her eyes and turned back to the game, where Bakura had just announced that whoever ended up on his property had to, in addition to paying, brew four mugs of coffee for him while standing on their head. Yugi yelped as he upended the coffee pot onto himself.  
  
"Besides, I t'ink I just came up wit' an answer to your problem, Yug," Joey put his arms over the back of the sofa and rested his head on them, cocking his eyebrow at the black/blond/purple-haired boy lying on the floor and dripping coffee, "D'ose magazines got pictures a' hot girls, right? Well what if you replaced 'em with magazines full of pictures a' fat, ugly women wit'out not'in on but d'eir hair, eh? Worth a try?"  
  
"But how are we going to find such magazines?" Yugi fretted, wringing out his now brown forelocks, "It's not like I can just walk into a shop and say, 'May I please have magazines with lots of pictures of fat, ugly, naked - he blushed while saying the last word - women?'."  
  
"No problem," Bakura was blushing bright red as he spoke up, and not just because T'ea had just told them that whoever ended up on HER property had to kiss Yami Yugi (he was on Park Ave., and the entire blue block belonged to her), "Just come over to my house."  
  
Joey looked over at him in horror, "Bakura! Don't tell me you actually read dat kinda t'ing!"  
  
The white-haired teen grinned sheepishly, "Well, let's just say my Yami has rather odd taste when he's had too much coffee."  
  
***  
  
That night Joey had to be sent to the hospital with what Yugi coined 'Hystericalus Ultimatus' and to be safe from an incensed Yami Bakura, who, to let out his feelings, burned a cloth factory down and robbed seventeen banks in two hours, and Yami Yugi ran the streets of Domino City screaming for Ra to save him, pursued by a blushing Bakura, who was in turn being chased by an irate T'ea bent on seeing her rule enforced.  
  
***  
  
I was experiencing a bit of writer's block in this chapter . But not to worry, it shouldn't last for long, because next chapter, Joey's solution is put into motion (O_o A rhyme), what are the consequences? And did Bakura really kiss Yami in the end? Will Joey ever be able to travel alone in the streets again without looking over his shoulder for Yami Bakura's revenge? All this to come in the next chapters, please R & R! Oh, and one more thing: If anyone could tell me whether Yuichi is a male or female name, I'd appreciate it! Wait! One more thing: I might be taking a break from writing to catch up on my manga reading ^^ so I might be a little late with the next chapter. I'm also working on two more Yu-Gi-Oh fics, which I might put up sometime. So, anyway, sorry y'all! 


	7. Duo Attack! The Green-Eyed Monster and M...

Okay, I know this is pretty late. My parents kinda banned me from FF.net for a while and I had a bit of writer's block, but still, here's Chapter Six. First though, thanks to all my reviewers! Which means: Blue Lagoon Loon (OO Does it taste good? ^^ Here's more!), Seto Kaiba (Thankee but I already knew that a few reviews back. Well, thanks anywayz!), Sarah (^^ Yup. Seaweed. The elder Kaiba is full of secrets.), Meredith T. Tasaki (Good luck with your quest! And thanks for the praise! ^^ I'm glad you liked it!), Emerald Phoenix524 (Guess this couldn't really be qualified as soon but at least it's continued!), Shorty (Thanks for the info, I already knew but thanks anywayz! Hope you're enjoying the story!), Cranky Cathe (Thanks for the praise and I don't think I know of too many people who'd dive into a lake to eat raw seaweed (if you know what I mean)) and UK Chatte aka Silver Flure (Here's a google-dose of random-ness and complete and total insanity for you!). And as for Change of Heart the answer to your review is at the end, you'll see why. This is a really strange chapter, I'll tell you that much. Read on!  
  
Punctuation Notes:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thoughts or Italics . before an uncapitalized letter or in a spot that doesn't make sense - Three little dots *** - Double spacing instead of single  
  
Warning: Major crazy impossibleness and some OOCness. This does not correspond with the TV show.  
  
  
  
*** Chapter Six: Duo Attack! The Green-Eyed Monster and Mass Insanity ***  
  
/Yami?/ Yugi woke up the next day to find his Yami's soul room in the Millennium Puzzle empty.  
  
He sighed and yawned; he'd spent nearly all of last night washing the coffee out of his hair, and his Yami hadn't come home yet when he'd gone to bed. For a moment, Yugi was a little worried; what if his Yami was in trouble? Then he heard splashing sounds accompanied by Egyptian curses coming from his bathroom and smiled in relief.  
  
***  
  
"Ummm. Yami? What are you doing?!" a bewildered Yugi poked his head into the bathroom to see his slightly taller twin counterpart washing out his mouth with soap as though his life depended on it. Empty soap bottles and washcloths worn to rags littered the tiled floor.  
  
"Fou fon't fwant fu fow," the tall tri-color-haired spirit grumbled through a mouthful of bubbles as he continued scrubbing himself vigorously.  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Th-that white-haired friend of yours. KISSED me!!!!" Yami burst out, spraying foam everywhere and causing Yugi to jump backwards to avoid being splashed.  
  
His hikari fought down a laugh, trying to appear sympathetic, "Bakura, eh? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."  
  
"It WAS!!" wailed the traumatized Pharaoh, still scrubbing away for all he was worth.  
  
"Uh, Yami?" Yugi ventured carefully, taking the doorknob in hand just in case his Yami decided to mimic a fountain again, "How long have you been at this? At this rate you'll use up all the soap and cloth in the whole house."  
  
Yami Yugi just ignored him, threw away the sodden hole-ridden rag and grabbed a clean new one. Then he resumed washing his mouth out. The smaller boy sighed and walked out into the hallway.  
  
"Wonder what it's like to have a normal life."  
  
He peeked into his Grandpa's room. The old man was still out on his bed like a sack of potatoes, not even snoring. Maybe Joey had overdone it a bit with the tranquilizers.  
  
Yugi shrugged; the longer his Grandpa was out, the more time they had for coming up with a solution. Actually, they already had one, thanks to Joey. Now they just had to put it into practice.  
  
***  
  
"You're out of the hospital, Joey, that's good," Yugi told his blond friend as they walked towards Bakura's home with Tristan trailing along behind them. Yami Yugi was still at home scrubbing, and for some reason T'ea had volunteered to stay with him.  
  
Suddenly, just as they walked up to Bakura's house, a gout of white-hot orange-lined flame shot out of one of the windows.  
  
"And I'm guessin' dat's not so good," Joey muttered as they all raced to see what was happening.  
  
They could all hear Bakura inside, apparently yelling furiously at his Yami, "WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT COOKING COFFEE ON THE STOVE AND TURNING THE FLAME TO MAX?! NOW LOOK!!! YOU'VE BURNT THE CURTAINS TO A CRISP AGAIN!!!!! AND WE WON'T BE ABLE TO HAVE COFFEE AGAIN UNTIL WE CAN FIND A NEW COFFEE POT SINCE YOU INCINERATED ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!"  
  
"Do we really want to know what's going on in there?" Tristan asked nobody in particular. They all looked at one another, then Yugi raised a hand to knock as the rest looked on apprehensively.  
  
***  
  
"Yami Yugi?" T'ea called timidly as she poked her head into Yugi's room. There was a loud gasp and a splash followed by an ear-shattering crash.  
  
Slightly worried, T'ea headed to where the sounds had come from, the bathroom, "Are you okay?"  
  
She took a step onto the tiled floor and gave a little shriek. The entire bathroom floor was covered in water, with rags swimming to and fro everywhere. A mirror lay smashed on the floor. She looked harder and discerned a faint outline behind the shower curtains.  
  
"Hello? Yami, is that you?" Immediately the shadow shrank back.  
  
"Stay away! Unless you want me to use Mind Crush on you, stay away, woman!" came Yami's voice, much higher than usual. There was a weird sound, then a thud as the shadow vanished downwards, "Ouch!"  
  
T'ea giggled softly, "Bathtubs are pretty slippery, you know."  
  
"I noticed," the former Pharaoh grumbled as he got back up after having slipped and fallen in the bathtub. He looked up straight into T'ea's huge blue eyes; she'd approached and swept the curtain aside, "Oh, Ra!"  
  
Scrambling to back away from her, he nearly slipped again. As it happened, he lost his balance, lurched forward and they ended up literally nose to nose. Yami's eyes were now the size of dinner plates as he muttered incomprehensible words under his breath, trying to free himself from T'ea. Unfortunately she'd wrapped her arms around his neck and was now staring at him in a most suspiciously mysterious manner.  
  
"Oh, no, no, no no no no NO," Yami tried desperately to get away but T'ea refused to let go.  
  
"You know, Yami, I've wanted to do this ever since I first heard your voice, when you saved me from that murderer at BurgerWorld," T'ea breathed as she kissed him right on the lips.  
  
Yami stood there frozen for a full three seconds after she finally released him, utterly speechless. T'ea, after waiting for a while, waved her hand in front of his face.  
  
"Helloooo!" the Pharaoh never budged.  
  
With a sigh, T'ea grabbed him and kissed him, again. At that Yami snapped very quickly out of his ice cube state. Slowly, as T'ea watched in amusement, red flooded his face until he was practically smoking at the ears.  
  
"Yami?" she asked, trying to snap him out of his new state.  
  
***  
  
The door to Bakura's house suddenly burst open before a startled Yugi, Tristan and Joey, Yugi still with his fist poised to knock. Yami Bakura came tearing out, nearly bowling them all over as he dashed out the yard and down the street. The three boys stared after him in bewilderment. What in the world was going on?!  
  
"Yugi?" Bakura's voice, now back to its gentle tone, snapped their attention back to the front door. The white-haired teen was standing there looking a bit sheepish, "Sorry about all that. Yami thinks cooking coffee on the stove is faster than using the conventional method. And then he tries to speed it up further and. well. I think you all know what happened. Would you like to come in?"  
  
"Uh, sure," Yugi replied immediately, though Joey and Tristan looked like they had misgivings.  
  
As he ushered them into the house, Bakura smiled apologetically, "The downstairs is a complete mess since the kitchen practically exploded. It's lucky I keep most of my stuff upstairs. Everything down here is either in pieces or black as coals. Come on, I'll show you up to my room."  
  
They followed him into the main part of the house and all three stopped dead. It was, as Bakura had mentioned, a disaster zone. The furniture was either upended, smashed, or torn, and of course, everything was scorched black. Strangely, there seemed to be some kind of miniature metal tower at the foot of the stairs. They could all see a small blinking red light at its top.  
  
At that moment something suddenly sped by them so fast the wind from its passing nearly knocked them over. Yami Bakura stood before the miniature tower, a fiercely protective expression on his face and a brand-new coffee pot clutched in his left hand.  
  
He produced a rocket launcher thing from out of nowhere and leveled it at someone behind them, yelling, "Red Alert, Red Alert! The Pharaoh has infiltrated our base!"  
  
Yugi, Joey and Tristan watched the scene in complete confusion. Bakura rolled his eyes.  
  
"You've been playing Command and Conquer again, haven't you?" he asked his Yami, who was now giving out orders to invisible soldiers and didn't respond.  
  
"Too much coffee and a new addiction to computer games," Bakura explained to his friends, "Oh, and Yami's at the door. And I think he's brought company."  
  
Brought company was hardly the correct term, as Yami was standing at the entrance looking as though he was about to faint, with an adoring T'ea clinging to his arm and fluttering her eyelashes at him. He gave his hikari a desperate look before slumping down onto the floor in exhaustion. He looked like he'd run all the way from the Game Shop, T'ea, fifteen thousandth rag, bar of soap and all.  
  
Joey and Tristan both goggled, apparently they'd lost their ability to talk, hit with the truckload of unexpected events that had just whirlwinded past them. Yugi, however, suddenly turned a violent shade of green.  
  
"Yugi, are you all right?" Bakura inquired, looking at his small friend with concern. Yugi didn't respond; his hair was beginning to look a little green-tinged.  
  
"Earth ta Yug!" Joey finally snapped out of his attitude of frozen astonishment, waving his hand in front of the tri-color-haired boy's face, looking a bit concerned as Yugi's hair began to turn green around the ends.  
  
"Attack of the Green-eyed Monster!" Yami Bakura shrieked, throwing his rocket launcher into the air so that it landed on Joey's head ("Muhahahahaha! Now you taste my revenge!") to point an accusing finger at Yugi, and then proceeding to dive behind his 'guard tower' (for that was what it was), his hands held over his head.  
  
"Sorry, Yugi," Bakura muttered before picking up the rocket launcher and conking his now completely green friend on the head with it. In an instant Yugi turned back to his normal color and collapsed in a heap on the floor.  
  
"What did you do to him?" Tristan asked instantly as Joey accidentally trod on Yugi's face in an attempt to strangle Bakura.  
  
"Green is not a healthy color for the skin," Bakura informed him nonchalantly, side-stepping Joey and going to try to extract his Yami from behind the 'guard tower'.  
  
Joey knelt down beside Yugi to try to wake him while Tristan went to the choking heap that was Yami Yugi, who was receiving some unwanted attentions from the brown-haired girl lying on top of him.  
  
***  
  
Bakura managed to lure his Yami out into the open after a lengthy bout of wheedling concerning 16 mugs of coffee and jalapeno peppers. When Yugi woke up, saw his Yami and T'ea in a heap on the floor, and started turning green all over again, Tristan, who'd been trying in vain to untangle the pair, finally settled for dumping them both into the closet near the entrance and locking them in. At this Yugi started going purple so Joey had no choice but to knock him out with the rocket launcher again.  
  
Finally, when everything had calmed down once more, Yami Bakura was happily gulping down cup after cup of coffee as well as a basket of jalapeno peppers in the kitchen, and Yugi had been shot with a tranquilizer dart (courtesy of the Joey - "Always ready for anyt'ing."), Bakura finally led the two moderately sane people in the place, surprisingly being Joey and Tristan, up to his room to collect the magazines he'd promised to supply for their plan.  
  
"Well, here they are," Bakura said after having dug through the mountain of bottle caps, dried broccoli stems, ox skulls, fossilized coffee beans, brown paper airplanes and one very weird sarcophagus that turned out to contain an actual Egyptian mummy, and which had nearly scared all of them to death, that was, according to him, his Yami's side of the room. His own side was so neat and orderly that it looked like there were two different worlds contained within the small bedroom.  
  
His companions took one look at the magazines the white-haired teen was holding out to them and started screaming. Tristan joined the league of the insane and jumped out the window, while Joey proved himself to have an extraordinary hold to sanity and managed to calm down enough to tell Bakura that the magazines were perfect for their purposes and to plant them at Yugi's ASAP before bolting after Tristan.  
  
Bakura shook his head as Joey screamed, "I AM THE FLYING PENGUIN!!!!!!" before landing with a thud on top of Tristan in the bushes beneath his window.  
  
"I wonder why they were so scared of a bunch of magazines," he shrugged, and, without glancing at the magazines, headed to Yugi's house to plant them, ignoring what sounded like a dying cat in the closet near the entrance.  
  
***  
  
* Reads what she wrote * O_O I am putting the poor Yugi duo through quite a lot now, aren't I? * Evil laughter * All thanks to the mighty authoress powers! So, will the gang ever get back in their right minds again? How will Grandpa react to the new magazines and will Yami Yugi ever get out of that closet alive?! All in due time in the future chapters! And also, thanks to Change of Heart for reviewing, and I made Bakura kiss Yami Yugi anyway, since I wrote it before I read your review, but you couldn't exactly count it as yaoi now, could you? (Yami Yugi: I certainly hope not! * still trying to scrub his mouth clean *) Also, T'ea did kiss Yami Yugi, so I guess that evens it out, even though she didn't kill Bakura for it. I wrote that part also before I read your review, weird, no? Well, moving on, what of this chapter, then? What do you guys think? Review, please! I love reviews! Everyone who reviews this chapter gets a mug of possibly poisonous coffee and a year's supply of jalapeno peppers, courtesy of Yami Bakura (Yami Bakura: * Bow * * Bow *), and everyone else who reviewed gets a kiss from or a voodoo doll of a character of their choice! 


	8. Chaos at the Mansion and Bakura's Green ...

A/N: * bangs head against wall * I. KNOW. THIS. IS. LATE. * dies * I had total writer's block on ALL my fics for a while, which just about drove me out of my mind, and that was basically when I finished this chapter. Don't expect Chapter Eight anytime soon. I've overstuffed this chapter and have run clean out of ideas. * dies 56 times over * * gets buried * * pokes head up outta ground * Woops, my reviewers!!! I'll add replies to your reviews later, that's a promise!! For now, I just need to get this chapter up. * flips off homework * Please KB, R, E, & R!!! (Kick Back, Read, Enjoy, & Review. O_o This thing just keeps getting longer. I need to get a copyright or somethin'.)  
  
Punctuation Notes:  
  
" " - Speech ' ' - Thoughts or Italics . before an uncapitalized letter or in a spot that doesn't make sense - Three little dots *** - Double spacing instead of single  
  
Warning: Complete and utter insanity, character OOCness, character bashing, waaaaaay out of wack wit' da TV show (O_O I've been spending WAY too much time around Joey.). Welcome to my world, where things make absolutely NO sense. Enjoy da ride!!! (DEFINITELY too much time around Joey.)  
  
  
  
*** Chapter Seven: Chaos at the Mansion and Bakura's Green Thumb ***  
  
It was the day after Bakura had taken the magazines over to Yugi's house. Everyone had spent the night at the white-haired teen's house, erm, one way or another.  
  
Yami finally managed to break the closet door down sometime around midnight and then proceeded to trap T'ea in Yami Bakura's 'guard tower' in his frenzy to escape from her clutches. Yugi woke up and promptly rescued the 'damsel in distress' crying for help in the 'guard tower', whereupon Yami Yugi ran all the way to the airport with T'ea hot on his heels and tried desperately to book a flight to 'the realm of Anubis'.  
  
Yugi arrived in time to see Yami about to send T'ea to the Shadow Realm in a last desperate attempt to free himself from her constant attentions and then the airport had to be evacuated due to what was termed 'a battle of epic proportions between twin rivals for a maiden's affection' by a rather romantic by-stander, and which was in fact a vicious round of tickling which ended when T'ea decided to run off with a fiddle player heading for 'the wild blue yonder' somewhere in Texas.  
  
Meanwhile, at Bakura's house Yami Bakura was trying to build a rocket to go to the moon after 56 cups of coffee, 24 baskets of jalapeno peppers and seeing what's-his-name President of the United States' speech about undertaking a trip to the moon and thinking it had been made recently. However, all he ended up accomplishing was to completely reduce Bakura's house to rubble and to create a new crater on the Moon when his rocket 'ran away from him'.  
  
Luckily, he and his hikari managed to jump out the window before it happened, landing in the middle of a heated argument between Joey and Tristan who were each convinced that the other was insane and were trying to convince each other that Joey was 'not' the Legendary Flying Penguin and Tristan was most definitely 'not' the Great Bull of Calgary.  
  
As for T'ea and her fiddle player, who turned out to be Seto Kaiba in disguise after losing a bet with his little brother Mokuba, the news bulletins in Texas reported that there appeared to be a banshee roaming about on the loose since sometime around 3 am in the morning everyone in the state had gone mysteriously deaf.  
  
Young Mokuba was somewhat perplexed when his big brother came running back into the house in the early hours of the morning wearing only his blue silk bunny boxers and put up every single security barrier there was in the place. However he wasn't left in the dark for long because very soon a fire- breathing, brown-haired, blue-eyed female came rampaging into the mansion like an angry rhino, somehow breaking through all the security, and proceeded to throw Seto out of a fourth-story window. Luckily he landed in his backyard pool.  
  
The Kaiba mansion would most likely have turned into a nuclear disaster zone if Joey hadn't crashed through the roof, propelled by the explosion of Bakura's house, riding on Tristan's back and squawking loudly ("Ha! Call me a dog now, Kaiba! I'm da Legendary Rider of da Calgary Bull Penguin!") and shot everyone in sight full of tranquilizers. Then he lamented the fact that he was out of ammunition and money and tried to kidnap Mokuba to get a ransom, which didn't work too well considering everyone else besides him and Tristan were out cold.  
  
All in all it was a pretty hectic night for everyone, especially since Yami Yugi and his hikari erupted into the Kaiba mansion sometime afterward, Yugi chasing after T'ea, Yami Yugi chasing after his hikari, and T'ea turning aside from her quest to murder the elder Kaiba to go after Yami Yugi again. They burned circles and figure eights into the pristine greenery of the Kaibas' expensive front lawn and wore their shoes to shreds. Yami Bakura and Bakura promptly added to the confusion by turning up on an all-out coffee raid. The security was completely down around the place since T'ea had KO'd all the security guards with her Millennium Item that didn't exist until now, the Millennium Handbag, which vanished in a poof of smoke as soon as it was no longer needed, which is why it needn't have been mentioned in the first place. Yami Bakura was too preoccupied with making enough coffee to last the entire human race until the sun decided to go supernova to think of stealing it.  
  
As the first rays of dawn pierced the sky, those of the group who weren't full of tranquilizer darts had yet to get any sleep. But they were just fine thanks to the fact that they finished off Yami Bakura's coffee before sunrise and shared a truckload of jalapeno peppers, all courtesy of Seto Kaiba's Platinum card.  
  
***  
  
Three little bean pods, sitting in a row, the sun decided as it looked down on the three mortals sitting on the trashed lawn of the great manor below. Yugi, Yami Yugi, and T'ea were still sitting where they'd been shot with tranquilizers, for some strange reason, and it remains unknown to this day how they ended up sitting in a row so perfect a ruler could not have measured them crooked or a single nanometer of space between them, when they were running around like chickens with their heads cut off the night before, since there where no witnesses; the ones who were actually awake to witness were too busy cramming themselves full of peppers and caffeine.  
  
"Awww, how CUUUTE," Joey decided as he skipped out onto the front lawn and saw his three friends.  
  
"What's cutesy cutesy cutesy?" cooed Tristan, not far behind, as he came hopping up with his hands dangling beneath his chin in what he termed "my Rabbit Imitation" with many tears of pride. Apparently he'd only ever drunken coffee before when his nephew had been around.  
  
"Ehhh." Bakura, who'd developed a high tolerance to coffee since he'd been drinking it since before he was born (his mother was a world-famous addict who got entered into the Guinness Book of World Records), turned to his Yami as they watched the tipsy pair from one of the first floor windows of the mansion, "Reckon we ought to try our secret decaf on them, Yami?"  
  
"My pleasure," Yami Bakura nodded. and kept on nodding. With a sigh, Bakura set off to complete his mission on his own, leaving his Yami still bobbing his head up and down like some absurdly large and evil-looking mandarin.  
  
***  
  
"What happened?!" Joey exclaimed, holding his head after Bakura had hopped around him and Tristan on one foot seventy times (only because they were both sitting in a row watching the three bean pods sitting in a row, spellbound) holding an olive branch in his left hand and a dead fish in his right, chanting pig Latin (A/N: Jackie Chan Adventures is better than Biology homework.), "Last I remember, we were over at your house, Bakura, and." His eyes bulged and he trailed off into gibberish. Bakura sighed.  
  
"I planted the magazines," he offered helpfully.  
  
"Let's go see them then," Tristan offered just as helpfully.  
  
Joey appeared to be thinking hard. "I know! Let's go see da magazines Bakura planted, den!!!" he finally conjured in a stroke of pure genius (at least according to him). The other two just rolled their eyes heavenwards and didn't reply.  
  
"Good idea," Bakura finally said, "Let's go."  
  
***  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" No, that wasn't a girl. A certain blond-haired teenager in a green coat stood in front of an equally certain Game Shop, staring at the new lawn ornament (Yugi's Grandpa had gotten tired of sweeping the pavement in front and had planted a lawn. Yugi got to do the mowing).  
  
"What didya DO, Bakura?!" Joey squeaked after he'd recovered his breath after screaming for fifteen minutes straight. Tristan had had a heart attack after twelve and was presumed dead. They'd dumped his body on the lawn, where blue morpho butterflies that somehow got there from the Amazon River fluttered around to investigate the fascinating new blue flower that had eyes, nose and a mouth. Ahhh, Tristan, the wish of your heart was granted at last; you are a Beautiful Butterfly Garden.  
  
Bakura cocked his head, "What? I can't hear you."  
  
"I SAID WHAT DA HECK DIDYA DO, BAKURA?!" Joey roared in the white-haired boy's ear.  
  
Bakura shook his head, "I still can't hear a word you're saying. I think you and Tristan broke my eardrums."  
  
"Whaaa-? Ya have drums in yer ears?" Joey stared at him, "Doncha get tired a' all dat tappin' after a while?"  
  
Bakura looked confused; he was still temporarily deaf. Joey abruptly remembered the matter at hand and strode huffily across the grass to point both arms at the new tree that had sprouted overnight on the Moto residence, "I REPEAT, WHAT DA HELL IS DIS?!"  
  
His hearing miraculously restored by some mysterious higher power, the other shrugged, "Well you told me to plant them, didn't you?"  
  
"In da DRAWER, Bakura, in da DRAWER!" Joey ranted, windmilling his arms and knocking leaves from the offending tree, looking exasperated with a lesser intelligence, which would indeed have been a historical event if the historians had remembered to get over there, witness it, and then record it.  
  
"That wouldn't have worked," Bakura argued earnestly, "They need water and good soil to grow, you know. Not to mention a green thumb." And he held up his own bright green thumb proudly. He'd worked for HOURS with those impossibly complicated permanent markers to get the color just right.  
  
"WHAT ARE YA 'TALKIN' ' ABOUT?!" Joey screamed, at wits' end.  
  
When Bakura just backed up several steps and stared, he calmed down somewhat, "Bakura. I TOLD ya ta PUT DEM IN DA DRAWER so dat Yugi's Grandpa'd see 'em. I did NOT TELL YA TA GO AN' PLANT A FRIGGIN' UGLY FAT NAKED WOMEN MAGAZINE TREE!!!!!!!!!!" Several birds were startled into the air as Joey's voice rose an octave, rustling the pages of the magazines that had somehow grown out of the tree's branches.  
  
There was silence for a moment as they both stood staring at each other, one in complete confusion, the other in utter frustration, then a sudden idea seemed to strike Joey.  
  
"Bakura, d'ya t'ink maybe youse could plant a money tree for me? I kinda need da dough, ya know."  
  
***  
  
A/N: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! FUN! * dances around * I've wanted to do the magazine tree idea for some time now. Did you guys like this chapter? I sure did!!! * shoots through ceiling, visits the moon, has a conversation with the Man on the Moon, comes back, dusts herself off * What??? I had a lot of fun writing this, seriously. So. * dramatic pause * What bet exactly did Seto lose with Mokuba? Will Y. Bakura's rocket come back? What will Seto do when he discovers what they did with his Platinum card? (evil grin) How did the three beans in a pod end up that way, and what happened to Mokuba? Where'd Joey stash him? AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE MAGAZINE TREE IS DISCOVERED?????!!!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!! All this and more to come in da next chapters of THE PROBLEM WITH GRANDPA!!!!!!!!! . I think I need to calm down. Voice of Reason pops up: No kidding. . * squashes Voice flat * Where'd you come from anyway? Well, dear folks, be the nicest creatures in this plane of existence and REVIEW THIS CHAPTER!!!! * turns into fire- breathing demon * * pops back * What the hell was that?! Anyway. Review! Reviews are my inspiration!!! Seriously. Ta-ta for now!  
  
P.S. I am now going to proceed to shamelessly advertise my brand new original short story, Running. Please read it, and review, people, I really want to know what y'all think. It might seem a little weird at first, but stick with it, it'll make a little more sense in the end (I hope). Lez see if you guys can make any sense of it. Ciao! * wanders off with a cup of coffee with a jalapeno pepper sticking out * * pokes head back * Review this fic, too, btw. Y. Bakura: Shameless. Teehee, me knowz. Byeya!!! 


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